Owies, Baptisms and Birthdays

The day was supposed to be different. I spent the good part of it shopping. Tonight was my best friend Anthony’s baptism (he has journeyed for many months to become one of the Roman Catholic faithful), so really the day was about him. I went to the local mall (Bayfair) to get some new clothing, and ended up getting this really nice red-and-black striped shirt from a place that caters to those that like to dress like pimps. Yet I loved the stuff I saw, and even bought a colorful hoodie too. New pair of shoes to go with, a card for him, and a gift (Thrillville for the PS2, which I hope he likes). The bad news? I grabbed a cab to come back, got prettied up (oh, and I bought a new pair of black socks), and called another cab to go to the BART station. Rather than call the main number I usually use, I called the driver directly, he showed up, and we drove away.

Problem was, at the corner of 159th and Liberty he ran right into the back of someone else, which resulted in the most insane interaction between two people I have ever seen. He spoke little English, yet managed to express his irateness (how he believes he’s in the right is anyone’s guess), while the plump woman he bumped had a few things to say herself. Miraculously, I was wearing a seat belt, which I often forget to do in cabs. Neither of these people seemed concerned for my health–least of all the cab driver. And if either of them felt injured, they certainly didn’t express it. At this point, I was still sort of flabbergasted at the whole thing, but my neck and chest were hurting like crazy, not a surprise since I had been in an accident before, when I was about 24 or so, that required a few months of chiropractic visits. I wasn’t sure what to do–try to get to the city for the Baptism service or go to the hospital. I decided to go to Kaiser and called the cab dispatch… who didn’t even know what had happened yet. They sent another cab to me and the guy drove me to Hayward Kaiser while I gave all my information to the dispatch lady. I’ll never know if the police went to the accident scene or not.

I wasn’t there long. The female doctor was nice, I got seen pretty quickly and got some Vicodin to show for it. I still feel weird and I feel tired and I feel shaky and I feel worried because I didn’t mean to disappoint Anthony. But most of all, I think I just feel like sleeping. This has accounted for close to four hours of my night. I just got home. I am not sure what one really does next. Call the cab company and complain tomorrow? I guess I need to find out if they pay for the medical bill–they should, I suppose, though I only paid a co-pay tonight. I am not sure how any of that works, though I guess I should find out tomorrow.

Oh, and tomorrow is Easter and it’s my birthday. The only time in my lifetime my birthday will be on Easter. Yay for turning 36.

Heart = Broken.

Isn’t it funny how loving someone inevitably turns to hurt?

I am alone again.

I Am a Sick, Twisted, and Fat Individual

From: *************@netscape.net
Sent: Mon 3/17/2008 8:10 PM
To: Kevin VanOrd
Subject: hm

I was just wondering what kind of? twisted sick person you are, to say the ‘coolest’ way to kill someone ( sure its only a game, but I think you ‘get my meaning’ here yes ? ) is to sneak up behind them and slit their throat ?? ( Manhunt 2 )

I know people who play these types of sick violent twisted games have no life ( including but not limited to sex, real jobs or real lives ) ,but come on you gotta be kidding here..It seems you have sold your soul to the ‘devil’ <haha> ,? if you really think games like this are ‘cool’ … You really should consider getting out more often , you might live? longer if you lose some weight ( darn jelly rolls ).

Is it wrong that now I want a jelly roll?

Bully 360 = Steaming Pile of Shit

Trying to run around and do extra tasks and unlock some of these achievements. And edge closer to 100% completion. More lock-ups, freezes, and absolute stupidity. I don’t know whether Rockstar or Mad Doc is responsible for this absolute piss-poor job of QA, but it’s a shame that a great game has to be buried under an avalanche of horrendous technical problems. And if I read that BS regarding them being confined to older machines, I will scream. Rockstar, do you want me to send a photograph of my serial number? Would that inspire you to take some responsibility?

Seriously, it’s a technical nightmare and if I were either of those companies, I would be ashamed.

/end rant

Ninja Kevin

The things I do for art.

A Man Only a Mother Could Love

By nature I’m an emotional person. When I feel happy, I am ecstatic, and when I am down, I feel terribly lost and alone. I realized some years back that as hard as I try to change that or “fix” it, that it is my nature, and that I could either reject it or embrace it. That’s an easy thing to do when I am feeling myself, but in those moments where insecurities and doubts crop up, it’s a struggle to pull myself out of it. It often starts like it did last night, with the onset of a cold or a tummyache or what have you, as if my body’s energy is too busy fighting germs to keep my brain healthy too.

In my college years, I suffered from a very severe depression–one that landed me in the hospital thirteen times over the course of three years. During that time, I took countless medicines, saw countless therapists, and was told many different things. It’s a time I wouldn’t wish on my own worst enemy: a suicide attempt, self-mutilation, and probably gallons of shed tears are the memories I have to show for that time, and it’s what responsible for a failed music career, lost friends, and many lost years.

I am not sharing that to elicit sympathy, only to give context. Over the course of many years, I became more comfortable with myself and more able to avoid the downward spiral, and in time, the number of smiles outweighed the number of tears. Those years are now part of who I am; they don’t define me, but they are woven into the person that I am now, a person I am not always happy with but one that desperately wants to do the right thing in anything I do and somehow come out happy on the other end. And for the most part, I’ve managed pretty well. But sometimes, circumstances come together and I do manage to feel insecure and scared, and today is one of those days when the feelings have welled up for no given reason, just the facts of daily life.

It didn’t help that my mom Googled my name and inadvertently discovered the disrespectful wonders of the gaming world. Choice goodies revealed plenty of gamer hate over one thing or another, and my mother was flabbergasted that such things can be said about her son. I tried to explain, but of course, such a thing is lost on a reasonable, proper-thinking adult. Honestly, I can’t truly understand myself, having never been remotely likely to put nasty comments about some game reviewer in a forum signature, or spreading hate on message boards about how someone should be fired or killed. How do you tell your Mom why people hate me but don’t know anything about me? How do you tell someone that the quality of your heart or your character is meaningless to someone that only cares that a game they love got an 8.5 instead of a 9?

You don’t–you just move on and try not to think about it too much.

It doesn’t help that it’s been a month now that my stepdad left my mom, out of the blue. No problems, no arguments, everything seemed fine. And then boom. It has torn up my mother, and because I love her so much, I share that pain with her.

At times like this too, I tend to feel alone, and I wish Chris were here just to hold me, but even then, I get scared, because experience tells me if you get too clingy, the one you love pulls away. He’s felt distant lately, but whether that’s true or a figment of my overactive imagination, I can’t tell. In all truth, it’s likely just me. For the most part, we’ve simply had a great time, and I haven’t burdened myself with worries and analysis. On a day like today, I wish more than anything for reassurance, but as much as I want to tell Chris what I am feeling today–alone, insecure, unloved–I am more worried that I would just push someone I love away or sound needy and unreasonable. How do you weigh the need to be comforted by someone you love with the fear that asking could be the worst possible thing?

It’s another question that in 35–almost 36–years, I don’t know the answer to any better than any of the other questions. Maybe it’s best to move on and not think about that one too much, as well.

Goodness, this all reads very emo. Perhaps I should leave on a happy note:

They’re Just So Far Away From My Eyes

Porn Magazine Header of the Week

10 Big Butts Balance On Your Nose

Project Runway Finale

I am happy with the outcome. Christian was the deserving winner. He has a strong point of view and isn’t afraid to create real fashion, which isn’t always wearable. The runway is a designer’s canvas, and creating clothing we’ve seen before isn’t the best way to paint it. Most disappointing was how Jillian was the first of the final three to be cast off. Her line wasn’t very cohesive, but it was creative and innovative, and struck a chord with me. That Rami could even be considered in the same league with Christian is insulting, and when he paired that horrid magenta color with black, I puked a little in my mouth.

In any case, bravo Christian. I also maintain he designed the most stunning dress to ever be seen in this competition:

Clipping My Toenails

This week’s blog title comes courtesy of my boyfriend Chris, who joined me in a lament about how easy it is to forget to trim one’s toenails.

Best Friends

I had dinner with my best friend Anthony, bless his soul. Anthony and I have been through more drama than Joan Collins and Linda Evans (”Linda Evans, clean up on aisle 5!”), yet somehow, some way, we manage to maintain an amazingly close friendship fraught with laughter, tears, and incessant Family Guy references. We had dinner last week, where I discovered he would be possibly traveling to *gasp* Alaska to do work for a Jesuit charity, news that excited me, since it is important to him, and saddened me, because I will miss him.

Last night was another dinner, and more tears as I realized this whole Alaska thing is probably going to happen. We ate at a diner near his house in the Sunset neghborhood, and walked along the beach to talk. He had never been able to identify the Orion constellation, so I pointed out his belt and sword, at which point Anthony asked, “is ’sword’ metaphorical?” I explained that it was supposed to be an actual sword, not Orion’s gigantic penis, and he seemed satisfied with that. In any case, the sky was remarkably clear, and it made it easy to look for the most recognizable stars.

It was nice to spend some time like the old days with him. I know I am not always what he wants me to be (Anthony is madly in love with me), but I will do my best to support him in whatever he does. I doubt that after all we’ve been through that having him move closer to the Aurora Borealis will keep us from being friends.

Wayne Gretzky’s Got Nothing On Me

I also went ice skating for the second time in my life with Chris. The first time was in college, where I discovered that my ankles would eventually give out and start splaying outwards. I did better this time around, though my lack of roller skating skills translated nicely to the ice. I am thrilled to say I only fell three times, though that was enough to end up with a bruise on my ass and a sore shoulder. Eventually, I was able to whip up some speed and get maybe a quarter of the way around the rink before freaking out and having to slow down. I have a bad tendency to bend forward at the waist rather than bending at my knees, so the goal for the next session is to keep relatively good posture, now that my ankles seem more capable of handling the load.

My New Favorite Music Video

Loose Triggers and Iron Lore

My tooth hurts, but I’ll get over it.

But while drowning the sorrows of dental pain, I’ve been poking around IGN, which always results in some kind of frustration or another. I’m not one to publicly rant about the competition, mostly because I know what we all go through. Reviewing games is a great job, but it’s one that leaves you open for ridicule from the dregs of the Internet. And I have no doubt that when they’re all sitting around at IGN, they must have a good laugh from time to time about GameSpot, and I don’t like the thought of being the subject of peer ridicule at a competitive site–I’d rather foster the spirit of healthy competition and camaraderie. And now that our own Jason Ocampo has defected to the other side to help out their PC editorial department, I’m in no position to judge.

Oddly, though, the PC end of IGN is the one that needs the least amount of quality adjustment, since the PC guys there tend to, in my experience, write with a good degree of quality. That’s probably why I am most pissy today. Not at IGN, mind you, but at the nutty gaming community at large, which it seems attacks the folks at IGN with the vehemence I usually see directed at us. I avoid reading about games I am reviewing at other sites before I have written the review, and that’s all for the best. It’s common habit for me to see what the other big guns are rolling out once I’ve finished writing, though. So after I was finished with Pirates of the Burning Sea, I was curious to see where the critical mass stood. IGN’s review is pretty good and it hit many of the same points.

But let me tell you, I think I would go insane if we allowed user comments on reviews the same way IGN does. I am not sure whether it gladdens me that other journalists face the same uphill battle, or if it destroys my faith in the human race entirely. People were pretty tame on this one, but it’s worth noting I think that their user score for the game (like ours) is lower than the critical average, which is pretty unusual. I discovered with C&C3 that giving a high score to a game opens you up to as much criticism as a low score, but I was surprised, initially, with the wildly differing perspectives on POTBS. But then again, MMO players are right up there with JRPG fans with regards to their vehemence of opinion. The hardcore are fickle, as are the folks that don’t get their reward immediately. In 10 hours of play, I wasn’t convinced that I was getting anything out of the game. At 60 hours, I didn’t want to stop.

Though I may need to add shmup fans to that list above. My Triggerheart Exelica review is going up tonight (it may already be up, actually), so I took a peek at IGN’s review. Again, a lot of the points are the same–I mean, how could they not be? The game is only 20 minutes of content. But the poor guy got raked over the coals by shmuppers, with the usual “it’s just too hard for you” mantra. But please people. Shmups have a standard too, for God’s sake. I have a feeling part of the fanbase grumblings are due to the game’s arcade-to-Dreamcast roots. After all, Triggerheart was released last year on the Dreamcast in Japan. It then follows it must be a great, unerrated gem, right? Well, not really. I can list any number of arcade-style shooters of far higher quality available via Xbox Live Arcade, and the suggestion by some folks that Triggerheart reaches the heights of Ikaruga is… insane.

Seriously? The thing is the most bare-bones kind of release. Most competent shmups are hard, folks. That doesn’t mean that they’re all good. The game isn’t getting middling scores because we suck at it. It’s getting middling scores because it’s a middling shoot-em-up. Being associated with the Dreamcast doesn’t make it a gift from the heavens.

My favorite comments from IGN users?

Seriously, mainstream sites like this shouldn’t even bother reviewing shmups. I believe it is impossible for them to undertand the shmup culture, it’s too alien a thing for them.

Whoever wrote this review should be fired.

Get a clue IGN. If your not a fan the review has no chance. I will get it ASAP. Im a true old school gamer.

This is genre apology, of course. If a reviewer tells it like it is, he hates the genre, doesn’t understand it, isn’t part of their “culture,” or doesn’t get its “nuances.” In other words, if it’s a shmup, it’s the BEST GAME EVAR! And if you don’t agree, I’m gonna cast GREATER ELITISM at you with my WAND OF SUPERIORITY +1. These folks you just don’t satisfy, but then again, the actual quality of the game is secondary to them. If it’s hard, makes them memorize all the attack patterns, and lets them put their high scores on the leaderboards, how the game stands up to others in the genre is meaningless. To suggest that this is the next Radiant Silvergun, Ikaruga, or Gradius is, I would imagine, born of that same elitism. But I can’t guarantee that every shmup will get a perfect 10 at GameSpot, and the “nuanced culture” of shoot-em-up fans are apparently kicking me from the club.

That said, bring on Ikaruga!

In other news, Titan Quest developer Iron Lore shut down. This was followed by a post from THQ’s Michael Fitch on the Quarter-to-Three forums in which he ranted about the annoyances of PC development, the effects of piracy, and the gaming press. In the process, he tossed a good friend under a bus:

We had one reviewer – I won’t name names, you can find it if you look hard enough – who missed the fact that you can teleport from wherever you are in TQ back to any of the major towns you’ve visited. So, this guy was hand-carting all of his stuff back to town every time his inventory was full. Through the entire game. Now, not only was this in the manual, and in the roll-over tooltips for the UI, but it was also in the tutorial, the very first time you walk past one of these giant pads that lights up like a beacon to the heavens. Nonetheless, he missed it, and he commented in his review how tedious this was and how much he missed being able to portal back to town. When we – and lots of our fans – pointed out that this was the reviewer’s fault, not the game’s, they amended the review. But, they didn’t change the score. Do you honestly think that not having to run back to town all the time to sell your stuff wouldn’t have made the game a better experience?

I am red in the face over this, but what do I know? Gamers are morons, by and large:

Which brings me to the audience. There’s a lot of stupid people out there. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of very savvy people out there, too, and there were some great folks in the TQ community who helped us out a lot. But, there’s a lot of stupid people.

This entry is long enough as it is, but I have a lot to say about Fitch’s blame-everyone-and-take-no-responsibility monologue. In fact, it’s pretty telling that he takes no responsibility… and then decries PC gamers for doing the same. As one user says in that thread, “If you stare into the Abyss long enough the Abyss stares back at you.”

Words to live by.

I’m Not The Sharpest Bulb in the Race

I had the pleasure of going with my new boyfriend to two disparate events on Saturday. (At least, I think he’s my boyfriend; it’s not something that’s been said as much as I think it’s sort of understood at this point.) In any case, the first event was to watch Chris playin a San Francisco Fog rugby game, which was both a lot of fun and absolutely punishing. It was about 40 degrees in the pouring rain and windy as fuck, so by the time the game was over, I was pretty soaked and sniffly. But I still had a great time, if only because I went knowing very little about the game and came away impressed by the athleticism and adrenaline involved. I certainly learned a lot, for sure. No forward passing; touchdowns are called tries; rucks result when a player is tackled; and scrums are used when the ball is contested, such as after a forward pass. And… stuff. I’ll get up to speed quickly; I don’t think the game is complicated, but there’s certainly a lot of nuance. Anyway, it was fascinating and I look forward to seeing more games, though hopefully they won’t be during rainstorms. Chris was splattered in mud afterwards, so we got him home for a shower and I dried my sopping clothes.

Later we went to see a show called Insignificant Others, a musical based on a group of friends from Cleveland that move to San Francisco. It was a lot of fun–the music was good, the performances were a little inconsistent but generally fine, and the whole thing was cute. As the title indicates, it’s pretty insignificant, but it’s a fun trifle and was totally worth the $0 I spent. (Thanks for taking me, Chris!) One of the characters in the show mixes up bits of various popular sayings, hence my blog entry’s title, which was probably my favorite of these mishmashes. Another was “six of one and a baker’s dozen of the other.” I really need a list of these so I can dole them out over the next few weeks.

Actually, I’ve had several recent catchphrases in use lately. The best one I took from the top of a porn mag I saw behind the counter at 7-11. I don’t remember the name of the magazine, but I could clearly see the line at the top of it: “Melt In Your Mouth Chocolate Bitches.” Since then, I’ve been inserting that line into general conversation as often as possible. Suffice it to say, I didn’t pick up a copy for myself. Still, the line is getting old, so I need to pick up something new and improved.

I’m also pleased that we went to a Peruvian restaurant, since I don’t know that I’ve ever had Peruvian food. At least, not knowingly. There’s really no excuse: San Francisco is one of the best restaurant cities in the country, so I really shouldn’t avoid the huge variety of ethnic food here. I had steak with rice, potatoes, and fried plantain, while Chris had a sort of Peruvian stir-fry that included steak, tomatoes, onions, and (of all things) french fries. His place in the Mission neighborhood is near a load of great restaurants of all varieties, and most of them feature Latin or Asian cuisine, so I think it’s time to expand my horizons. Last time, we had chicken at a place called (amazingly) Good Frikkin Chicken, which was a Mediterranean-tinged restaurant. And yeah, that chicken was frikkin good, and appeals to me simply because of its adorable name.

I think what draws me most to Chris is that he is so unlike me, and yet we compliment each other so well. By nature, I’m a pretty emotional and expressive guy, with a tendency to overanalyze things and make mountains out of molehills. By contrast, he’s very reserved; not cold, mind you, because actually he’s one of the most warmhearted people I’ve ever known. He just doesn’t open his heart as quickly as I do. And for some reason, it’s working. We’re having a ton of fun, and I don’t spend time worrying about where I stand, because I just sort of know. And we both understand each other. He knows I am prone to shedding a tear at the oddest of times, and he’s ok with that, and listens and understands. I know that he’s not always going to express his feelings verbally, but I am ok with that, because he shows me how he feels in a lot of ways. I can be myself, and I never feel like I need to be anything different.

Is it love? Yeah. That love thing has brought me plenty of hurt in the past. It’s nice to have it bring comfort instead.

Project Runway Thoughts

Which reminds me, kudos to the two people who messaged me gleefully because they got my blog title’s reference. You each get a cookie.

The Project Runway finale fast approaches, and the finalists aren’t surprising, though they approached it in an interesting manner. Christian and Jillian are in, and Sweet P is out. As for Chris and Rami, the judges were split, and decided that both would compete for the third slot by designing collections. The judges will decide who the third finalist is by judging the three strongest pieces from the collection, as chosen by the designer himself.

Christian is, in my opinion, the greatest raw talent the show has seen, with a terrific eye for fit, silhouette, and proportion (is this blog entry gay enough for you yet?). Aside from a few missteps, he was strong in every challenge, and is the designer to beat. My worry, however, is that he may shy away from color too much, and may create a collection too heavy in shrunken jackets and poofy sleeves. That said, he’s the most gifted individual that has appeared on the show, and I will be very surprised if he doesn’t take the tiara (ok, now I am sure this entry is too gay for you). Jillian is the most likely to challenge him, as she also has a keen eye for geometric shapes and crisp tailoring. Her clothes are also more wearable as a rule, yet I also worry that her background at Ralph Lauren will come out too strongly. She likes trenches and riding-type jackets a little much, though she certainly creates clothes I think women would like to wear.

The ever-elusive third spot will hopefully go to Chris, a previously-eliminated designer who returned on the pure grace of another’s deteriorating health. His design aesthetic is rather costume-ish, so I don’t see him winning big, but I feel as though he has something to say. Rami is the least visionary designer that has made it this far in a given season, aside from the ever-bedraggled Wendy Pepper. I don’t doubt his talent, but he has proven that left to his own devices, he has a singular, rather boring comfort zone. His clothes are beautiful, but nothing makes me go “wow.”

Below are designs the contestants have created this year that I think best represent their point of view and capabilities. Decide for yourself.

Christian:

Jillian:

Chris:

Rami: